Are You Trying Too Hard Not to Sound Rude?

Most non-native speakers struggle to get formality right, but in honesty much of the time the biggest struggle is in our heads. The main concern in the majority of my clients is that they’ll be too direct or come across as rude. Some of this comes down to personality, with perfectionists worrying more than others, but I believe a lot has to do with our own language and culture bias and how the foreign language is structured grammatically.

In comparison with languages such as German, French and Italian, which have formal and informal forms of address, English uses indirect language and politeness strategies to show respect and professionalism. This means it can feel uncomfortable for non-native English speakers to use the same basic form with everyone.

But what's even more uncomfortable is translating this more indirect way of showing respect into a native language that has a different structure.

For example, to ask for help I could choose to say:

"Can you help me with this?”

"Could you help me with this?”

"Would you mind helping me with this?”

All of these options are acceptable in a wide variety of situations, each creating a slightly different feeling. As a native speaker I’ll subconsciously choose the version depending on who I’m talking to, where I am, and what I want help with. This isn’t something you can fully learn from a textbook or language class alone, as it depends not only on subtle societal trends but also on regional norms and personality differences.

One mistake we make when speaking a foreign language is translating phrases word-for-word into our native language to make sense of them. This can on occasion create something so ridiculous sounding that we’re not comfortable saying it. It's far better to translate the meaning, sense or feeling of a phrase than to translate word-for-word.

In the example "Would you mind helping me with this?” If you translated it into German word-for-word you might understand "Würde es dich stören, wenn du mir dabei hilfst?” Which has more the feel of "Would it annoy you to help me?” Rather than my honest intension of “I realise it’s not your job to help me, but I can’t do this on my own and I would really appreciate your help”

This isn't often something you learn grammatically, it's something you pick up in social settings over time depending on your environment, which is exactly why it's so difficult for non-natives to get a feel for it. There also rarely is one "correct" phrase. There are various personal preferences, regional variations and a plethora of grammatically incorrect versions often used frequently by native speakers. Having the confidence to speak up and be willing to get things wrong without damaging your sense of worth and identity matter more than finding the perfect wording.

If this is something you struggle with, remember that tone and intention go a long way towards reducing friction and avoiding offence. It’s often not what you say but how you say it that determines how your message is received. So if before a social interaction you feel uncertain about your wording, spend some time getting clear about your intention and motivation. When you connect with and remind yourself of the true reason for the conversation, things naturally become easier.

For example:

• If you’re worried that you or your proposal will be rejected, acknowledging that will reduce the fear.

• If you’re worried your accent will be difficult to understand, acknowledging that will help you slow down and focus on clear pronunciation.

• If you’re worried your intention will be misunderstood, reminding yourself of your intention and the other person’s role or position will help you formulate it correctly.

Don’t fall into the trap of taking the safe option and writing an email instead. Written communication might feel easier because you can ‘perfect’ it, but it’s difficult for your intention to be felt in an email. If what you want to communicate is important, consider doing both.

The main problem I see for non-native English speakers is overthinking communication, and lack of trust in their ability to deal with misunderstandings, particularly with small talk and conversations with peers. Social situations such as networking can be more terrifying for many than a formal presentation. 

If you want to feel more confident in your communication, you really need to stop using an imagined language barrier as an excuse when the real barrier is your own subconscious fear of rejection and failure.