The mistake with communication is the assumption that it’s happened.

I’ve had several conversations over past weeks around a similar theme of communication. People who are frustrated at not getting what they want when according to them they’ve either asked for it, or its been offered to them but not actually manifested. When clients come to me with this situation it takes a little digging to try and find out what’s happened. Often what’s happened is not that they’ve been rejected, but that the individual hasn’t been clear enough either about what it is they want or what exactly is on offer.

If you feel like something you’ve been promised has overlooked check to see if one of the following could be the cause:

Language & cultural barrier:

Sometimes when working across languages and cultures messages get confused. Generally speaking the less complex the structure and vocabulary the clearer. Non-native English speakers often confuse self promotion (knowing your worth and asking for what you want) with being too direct or even rude. Tone goes a long way to reducing friction and causing offence, it’s often not what you’re saying but how you’re saying it that causes offence. Written communication might feel easier because you can ‘perfect’ it, but it’s difficult for your intention to be felt in an email, so consider doing both.

My advice: stop hiding behind language as a barrier to not asking for what you deserve. Keep your language simple, avoid using  apologetic language when you put yourself forward and if in doubt ask a native speaker to look over your language

Reading facial expressions incorrectly

Let’s be honest, we’re all guilty of this one. I’ve even caught sight of my own face while concentrating during a video call and surprised myself at how serious I look! Research shows that we’re not very good at reading emotions very well in ourselves let alone in others. People pleasers in particular look for acceptance or rejection in faces of others and can incorrectly assume that what they’re saying is uninteresting or undesired if they read, disinterest, distraction or irritation in the faces of others. The fact is that we all have between 6,000-12,000 thoughts a day 80% of which are negative and 90% are negative. As those thoughts pass through our minds they leave a trace on our faces and we can incorrectly assume that the displeasure is directed at us or what we’re saying.

My advice: Don’t assume anything and if in doubt ask in a non accusatory way. “X you look concerned…” or similar can help clarity the situation.

Assuming rejection

I’ve lost count of the times I’ve falsely assumed that my offer or suggestion had been rejected whereas in fact it had been forgotten, mislaid, or just delayed. I distinctly remember following up with a potential client some months after our first contact; they were delighted that I’d got in contact because for some reason they had lost my contact details. Our minds tend to jump to the negative when we don’t receive a positive response within a few days. Although uncomfortable, those thoughts and feelings are there to protect us on a subconscious level. If we were to presume we got the job and allow ourselves to get excited about it, the pain of rejection if we didn’t get the position  would be worse. So any pessimism is actually us protecting ourselves from false promises and future disappointment.

My advice: Follow up at regular intervals stating the original intention of your request or suggestion and when it occurred. With the right tone and attitude you’re not being pushy, you’re offering a service of value and a clear answer is better for everyone than an inaccurate presumption.

Indirect communication

This happens when in an attempt to be polite and discrete we become so indirect that the person we talking with doesn’t actually register that a request or suggestion has been made.  Phrases such as “I’d love the opportunity to …” is not a request to be considered for a task or position. If you’re serious about wanting something you need to state it clearly and often more than once. Representing  yourself with comfort is an art and unfortunately something women struggle with more than men. Having a healthy sense of worth and knowing you are enough is a good starting place. When we’re constantly looking to others for validation it becomes harder for them to see our value and our worth.

My advice: If you struggle to communicate your worth to others, I wrote a work book called enough which takes you through the first steps of identifying your own unique value. It’s a good starting point if self worth is a challenge for you and available on Amazon.

If you’re found these insights useful and you’d like to speak about your challenges and how we might work together, dm me to arrange a free no strings attached consultation call.