"Be more like John"

A client came to me after receiving excellent performance reviews and being at the top of her grade her manager told her that if she wanted to progress further, she needed "more presence."

When she asked what that meant specifically, the answer was: "Be more like John”, an executive several levels above her.

She felt stuck, she didn't have John's years of experience and "be more like John" didn't give her specific skills to work on. So she did what anyone would do, she researched body language, power poses, tried speaking up more and practiced projecting confidence. But it all felt fake, as if she was trying too hard, and that’s when she reached out to me.

When we started working together, we didn't focus on what she was ‘lacking’, we focused on who she really was. We focussed on the skills and accomplishments she had, many of which she’d either overlooked or forgotten she had. Then we looked at what was blocking her access to the confidence and presence that came naturally to her and that's when everything shifted.

Here's what I've learned through years of working with people in exactly this position: what looks like lacking confidence is almost always something else. You don't lack confidence, something is just blocking your access to it.

Why This Distinction Matters

When you lack something, the solution is straightforward: add what's missing. If you're lacking a skill, you study, if you're lacking a nutrient, you supplement.

But confidence? That's different.

Confidence comes from knowing you have the necessary knowledge and experience to do something, and trusting that you can. If you've been promoted, invited to interview, or asked to lead a project, it's because people believe you have what it takes. You already have the components; if you don’t feel confident, it’s not because it’s missing, it’s because something is blocking your access to it.

Think about it. You've had moments when you felt completely confident, times when you spoke up naturally, handled a crisis with ease, knew exactly what to do… the confidence was there when you needed it. You've produced confidence before.

So the real question isn't "How do I get more confidence?" it's "What's blocking me from accessing the confidence I already have?"

That's a very different question and it requires a very different approach.

The Problem with Most Confidence Training

Most confidence advice tells you to add something: power poses, affirmations, or simply "Just speak up more.”… as if it was as simple as just adding more words. Sometimes these methods help, but often they don’t because they're trying to build on top of the block rather than removing it.

It's like sewing up a wound without cleaning it first. You might get temporary relief, but eventually you're dealing with complications worse than the original problem.

What Actually Works: Recognising What's Happening in Your Body

I learned this the hard way. After decades of being a chameleon, reading faces, adapting to my environment, adjusting my behaviour to ease tension or meet self projected expectations I realised I didn't know my true colours anymore.

So I started with the basics. Simple questions: What do I like? What drains me? What am I actually good at? Those answers helped me remember who I was beneath all the performing.

But the breakthrough came when I learned to recognise what confidence actually feels like in my body. Not as an abstract concept, but as a physical experience I could identify and return to.

Finding Your Confidence Before You Walk In

Next time you're heading into a high-stakes situation, a presentation, an interview, a difficult conversation, try this:

Before you walk in, recall a specific moment when you felt genuinely confident. Not an abstract idea of confidence, but a real memory. Maybe it was handling a crisis at work, standing up for someone, or teaching something you know well. It doesn't have to be work related either, confidence is an emotion we experience in many different areas of our lives, not just in professional settings.

Close your eyes for 10 seconds and let your body remember what that felt like. Where did you feel it? How did it feel? Don't get caught up in projections of how you 'should' feel, just notice the sensations in your body and allow them to grow.

Then walk in carrying that feeling.

How you start often dictates how you continue. Even if the feeling fades mid-meeting, walking in connected to your confidence makes a tangible difference. You're not building confidence from scratch or faking it, you're reconnecting with something you've already experienced.

The Bigger Picture

This is just one technique from a larger process. Real, lasting confidence isn't about performing or pretending, it’s about reconnecting with who you are beneath all the adaptation and people-pleasing. Because the truth is, you're not broken, you’re not missing some essential quality other people have, you’re just disconnected… and connections can be restored.

I've written a full workbook walking through the whole five-step process I use with my clients from reconnecting with who you are at your core, through mapping how different emotions feel in your body, to choosing how you want to show up in high-stakes moments. It's called Enough: A Practical Guide for Achieving Authentic Confidence. and its available via Amazon in your region... or if you connect with me at a live event as me about it, I might just have a spare copy in my bag.