New Vs old perspective, which is more valuable?

Behaviours or beliefs that were appropriate and kept us safe at an earlier time, don't necessarily continue to serve us years later, particularly when our experience, role, position and seniority have changed. It’s important therefore, to routinely conduct an audit of beliefs and responsibilities to see if any of our behaviours have become out dated or are no longer serving us.

It’s a natural instinct to behave in a way that’s accepted by the people around us and repress any part of our nature that doesn’t quite fit, whether those ‘people’ are the society we live in, our family, or our work colleagues. During the course of a life we often take on roles without thinking, assume tasks and accept responsibilities without challenging not only their worth but also their duration. It’s not that these roles are necessarily wrong, but they can become outdated.

Many of my clients come to me saying they need more confidence in a new situation or role. They tend to have a monologue of ‘I’m not a person who …’ or ‘I’m not good at …’ running through their heads which basically translates as ‘I am not enough’ or ‘It’s not safe for me to …’.

Often what’s really happened is that they’ve either forgotten that an essential part of who they are ever existed, or they’ve negated the relevance of a natural skill they’ve either not used for many years, or haven’t developed fully. Sometimes as in my case, an experience from a younger age negatively stigmatised using a natural strength or behaviour. In all of these cases the larger part of the work I do is in re-educating. Helping my clients find the origin of those beliefs and decide if they still hold true today or if it’s time to update them.

This could be confidence that lead to a fall or criticism, courage that lead to an attack of some sort or even things we’ve witnessed happen to others and vowed never to put ourselves in that situation or be the one to suffer like that.

I’m reminded of this while visiting Andorra, a country I first visited almost 30 years ago. The young confident and person I was at the time stood up for herself and for others when she saw an injustice. I wasn’t obnoxious or aggressive, but I certainly wasn’t fearful about voicing my anger when I felt an injustice had been done. However on this occasion it wasn’t received well and defending a decision a colleague I and had made, resulted in be being physically attacked by someone I thought I knew well. Not seriously, but enough to split my lip and shake me.

Piecing together those events and the person I am today I believe it’s also contributed to the shaking I experience whenever I need to stand up for myself or those around me today. It hasn’t stopped me from being me, from calling out untruths or standing up for others but it has affected who I feel safe challenging and has likely contributed to the shakiness and exhaustion I experience afterwards when I do stand up for myself or others.

Interestingly, it’s also developed a different side of my character and that’s the ability to stay calm in a crisis. I’ve even gone as far as to call calm my super power. If you’re interested in listening to that conversation then check Episode 57 of my podcast English Talk - speaking. Up in English at work for introverts where I talk to Luke Mathers about sensitivity and superpowers.

I’m aware how easy it is to switch into autopilot, mimic behaviours and do what’s expected of us according to our environment. That’s why the foundation session with any new client starts with them completing and talking through the ‘This is me’ questionnaire. It’s an opportunity for not only for me to understand what drives them, but also for them to talk about parts of their lives and their qualities that they’ve forgotten about or have been too busy to remember. 

There is power in the retelling of a story, particularly when it’s the story of who we are. I call this the foundational stage because the skills that they are looking to develop need to be built on strong foundations if they are to last. I’m not a therapist, this isn’t therapy, it’s just the acknowledging of a life and some of the highs and lows that have formed it.

How about you? 

When was the last time you conducted an audit of beliefs and responsibilities to see if any of your behaviours have become out dated or are no longer serving you?

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