Is Self Negation the Modern Day Self-Flagellation?

𝗪𝗵𝘆 𝗱𝗼 𝗺𝗮𝗻𝘆 𝗼𝗳 𝘂𝘀 𝗳𝗶𝗻𝗱 𝗶𝘁 𝘀𝗼 𝗵𝗮𝗿𝗱 𝘁𝗼 𝗮𝗰𝗰𝗲𝗽𝘁 𝗮 𝗰𝗼𝗺𝗽𝗹𝗶𝗺𝗲𝗻𝘁?

Could it be that when we do something that comes naturally to us we don’t see its real value? Is it that you grew up in a time and place where self promotion was considered distasteful or vulgar? Is it because as an introvert you’ve never liked the attention that being complimented brings with it?

Or, is it that the perfectionist in you that has helped shape who you are and much of what you’ve achieved has a shadow side that’s sabotaging your success?

The chances are that it's a combination of all of the above. But whatever is true for you, if you want to reach your true potential you need to get over it, otherwise you’re going spend your career being overlooked… and the earlier you start the easier it is to correct unsupportive behaviours. I know because I’ve not only spent years undoing decades of self negation, I’ve also worked with senior leaders who despite their brilliance still get silenced by perfectionism and imposter syndrome.

Why is accepting compliments so important in leadership? 

It’s about the micro-negations and the effect they have on self-value and how that affects how you’re seen and respected by your team.

To lead with presence you need to comfortable with who you are, what you’ve achieved and the value you bring. Notice here that I say comfortable not arrogant. I think we confuse the two sometimes; comfortable is knowing what’s true and taking credit and pride in your achievements and accepting compliments, with dignity… arrogance is believing you’re better than those around you, blowing up your achievements and shoving them in people’s faces.

Leading with presence requires being fully grounded and at ease with your successes as well as your failings. Any second guessing that occurs on the inside is visible on the outside, and when you doubt in yourself you lose credibility and support. You don’t need all the answers, but if you don’t believe in yourself how do you expect your team to believe in you?

As a leader you’re also setting the example to your team to stand up and speak up about their achievements.

So…

If you want respect from your team

If you want credit for your work

If you want to be valued more

...𝗶𝘁 𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗿𝘁𝘀 𝘄𝗶𝘁𝗵 𝘆𝗼𝘂.

Regardless of whether you're an emerging leader or a seasoned executive, incorporate the following actions into your work and private life to increase your sense of self worth.

Accept compliments

Stop responding ‘Oh it was nothing’ to a compliment! When someone compliments you, in their eyes you’ve done a good job. Whether this is because you have a natural talent, you’ve spent years training, or hours preparing; accept the credit that’s yours. ‘It was nothing’ isn’t modesty, it’s disregarding your efforts, negating your skills  and giving away your power.

Acknowledge your achievements

Keep track of what you accomplish by actually writing things down in a notebook or file; if you don’t no one else will. Our minds are fickle beasts and delight in storing (and replaying) failures over successes. It might feel uncomfortable at first, and if it does, that’s even more indication that you’re in a pattern of self negation. You can’t expect your manager or your team to be aware of all the effort you’re putting in if you can’t even remember what you’ve done yourself.

Recognise your talents

Don’t dismiss a natural talent as insignificant or unworthy of mention, pay attention to things that others appreciate about your character they may see something in you that you completely take for granted. Susan Heaton-Wright speaks about the power of the maestro effect, where someone else’s observation of a hidden talent and belief in you can be the catalyst of needed to push you to greater previously unimagined heights.

Celebrate your wins

It’s so easy to move from one task to another without pausing for a moment to congratulate ourselves. Celebration doesn’t have to involve posting on LinkedIn about your success if that’s not your style, but at the very least you need to take a moment to give yourself the proverbial pat on the back and document it somewhere before moving on to the next task.

Finally...

many multilingual leaders struggle to accept compliments and be the best version of themselves because everything is perceived through an additional veil of over thinking and imperfection. The additional cognitive load caused by working across cultures and languages definitely deserves recognition.

To 𝗹𝗲𝗮𝗱 𝘄𝗶𝘁𝗵 𝗽𝗿𝗲𝘀𝗲𝗻𝗰𝗲, especially as a multilingual leader, 𝘆𝗼𝘂 first 𝗻𝗲𝗲𝗱 𝘁𝗼 𝗸𝗻𝗼𝘄 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿𝘀𝗲𝗹𝗳 𝘄𝗲𝗹𝗹 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗯𝗲 𝗮𝘁 𝗲𝗮𝘀𝗲 𝘄𝗶𝘁𝗵 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝘀𝘂𝗰𝗰𝗲𝘀𝘀𝗲𝘀 𝗮𝘀 𝘄𝗲𝗹𝗹 𝗮𝘀 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗳𝗮𝗶𝗹𝗶𝗻𝗴𝘀; If you can't even accept a compliment you not going to be able to do any of that.

That's where I come in. 𝗜 𝗵𝗲𝗹𝗽 𝗺𝘂𝗹𝘁𝗶𝗹𝗶𝗻𝗴𝘂𝗮𝗹 𝗹𝗲𝗮𝗱𝗲𝗿𝘀 turn 𝗺𝗲𝗻𝘁𝗮𝗹 𝗰𝗵𝗮𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗿 from critic to cheerleader so they can calm the anxiety, 𝗮𝗰𝗰𝗲𝘀𝘀 𝗺𝗼𝗿𝗲 𝗰𝗼𝗻𝗳𝗶𝗱𝗲𝗻𝗰𝗲, and develop 𝗴𝗿𝗲𝗮𝘁𝗲𝗿 𝗹𝗲𝗮𝗱𝗲𝗿𝘀𝗵𝗶𝗽 𝗽𝗿𝗲𝘀𝗲𝗻𝗰𝗲.

Should we be talking? Dm me to arrange a consultation call.